If Social Networks Had Theme Songs - InformationWeek

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9/17/2014
01:50 PM
David Wagner
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If Social Networks Had Theme Songs

A description of every major social network through the joy of song.

So many social networks exist now that even social networks have their own social networks. (Twitter has Vine. Facebook has Instagram.) How can we possibly stay on all of them or even figure out what they all do? How can you decide which one is right for you?

When I'm trying to understand the world, I often do it through song lyrics. So I've compiled a list of 10 major social networks and song lyrics that best describe what the networks are for. Hopefully, I described them well, but if not, at least there's some great music to listen to.

Tumblr
"I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match." ("What a Catch, Donnie," Fall Out Boy)

Tumblr is the latest blogging site. (Remember when everyone had a Livejournal? Mine was called "Gentleman, Thaw your Chickens.") If you put "tumblr is" into Google, it autofills with "tumblr is down," "tumblr is bad," and "tumblr is cancer." Wow, talk about an image problem.

But Tumblr's mostly teen, mostly female audience seems to use it for posting pictures of themselves that can't go on Instagram and for regurgitating memes about boys.

Before I start sounding too harsh, this is exactly what teens need. Think of Tumblr as a virtual Brat Pack movie updated for the times. The worst part about this? Buried in Tumblr are some really clever and really smart blogs that everyone should be reading.

Snapchat
"Dirt and glitter cover the floor. We're pretty and sick. We're young and we're bored." ("Blow," Ke$ha)

For those living under a rock, Snapchat is what Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton should have used for their pictures instead of Apple iCloud. It allows you to send a picture or text that deletes at a predetermined time.

Look, there's no reason to do that unless you're doing exactly what parents think is going on. However, a little privacy was never a bad thing. Something I said when I was in a bad mood lives on Facebook forever. A Snapchat mistake is gone faster than it takes to play a Vine video. And speaking of Vine...

Vine
"This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because." ("The Song That Doesn't End," Lambchop)

To be honest, I don't know if Lambchop originated this song that children sing to annoy their parents, but Lambchop made it famous. And the great thing about this song is that it could be a Vine -- the site of six-second videos that repeat forever and ever. And ever and ever...

Why would anyone Vine? Well, mostly because it is attached to Twitter. But also because, honestly, six seconds is all I can tolerate most people. If you want to impress me, Vine is probably your best bet.

Twitter
"De do do do, de da da da, is all I have to say to you." ("De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da," The Police)

Personally, that's all I hear on Twitter -- a bunch of nonsense and static. The problem isn't that there is nothing worth reading, just that you have to be lucky to have it fly by your feed at just the right moment. Otherwise, it is just de do do do, de da da da. Twitter is everyone talking at once with nobody listening. But, hey, there's something really democratic about that.

Pinterest
"Whisper words of wisdom. Let it be." ("Let It Be," The Beatles)

Old people very calmly posting gardening tips and inspirational quotes. Let it be. No, really, let it be.

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David has been writing on business and technology for over 10 years and was most recently Managing Editor at Enterpriseefficiency.com. Before that he was an Assistant Editor at MIT Sloan Management Review, where he covered a wide range of business topics including IT, ... View Full Bio
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Somedude8
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Somedude8,
User Rank: Ninja
9/18/2014 | 12:02:41 PM
LinkedIn
LinkedIn used to be along the lines of Huey Lewis Working for a Living, but it feels like it has gone more the direction of that 80s song Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell.
Yab
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Yab,
User Rank: Strategist
9/18/2014 | 11:18:42 AM
Tinder Theme Song
For Tinder... Suffragette City -  David Bowie
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
9/18/2014 | 10:05:32 AM
Re: I'm a spy but I'm on your side
@Thomas- Fantastic set of lyrics. Great song. But again, i think we give Facebool too much credit. We open all the cupboards and drawers for them. 

Maybe it should be a song about exhibitionism. But I'm blanking right now. 
Thomas Claburn
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Thomas Claburn,
User Rank: Author
9/17/2014 | 6:50:15 PM
Re: I'm a spy but I'm on your side
Facebook deserves something edgier, like Peter Gabriel's Intruder.

I know something about opening windows and doors
I know how to move quietly to creep across creaky wooden floors
I know where to find precious things in all your cupboards and drawers
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
9/17/2014 | 3:48:44 PM
Re: I'm a spy but I'm on your side
@Shane- the best part of that song is the clapping. there's a great SNL sketch about Oates saying the clapping part was his idea. 

To be fair, that's every social network. And we let them do it. 
Shane M. O'Neill
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Shane M. O'Neill,
User Rank: Author
9/17/2014 | 3:46:59 PM
I'm a spy but I'm on your side
Strong choices all around, Dave. A good back-up song for Facebook:

Private Eyes -- Hall & Oates

"They're watching you. They see your every move."
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