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12/26/2014
08:04 AM
David Wagner
David Wagner
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Geekend: New Year's Resolutions For Famous Geeks

New Year's resolutions are much easier to keep if you give them to someone else.



It is the time of year when we all make resolutions we fail to keep. I'd like to make a new tradition for the Geekend. I'm going to make resolutions for other people that they have to keep. Because we all know that all the famous geeks of the world read this column, I fully expect to change the world this way.

Here are my resolution suggestions:

J.J. Abrams: Stop the Star Wars Episode VII leaks! They're not fun anymore. Also, please, resolve to eliminate any cute droids that behave more like pets than human servants. R2-D2 is enough on that front. The crazy ball droid in the trailer has to be cut out of the final version. Please. Resolve to make a movie adults don't roll their eyes about.

George R.R. Martin: You probably assume I'm going to tell him to hurry up and finish the books so they come out before the TV series catches up to the books. I've already given up on that pipe dream. Instead, I'm just going to ask him to admit it isn’t happening. Admitting the problem is half way to solving it.

Disney: Please resolve to spend whatever money it takes to reunite the Marvel Universe under your control. The X-Men, the Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man need you. Do it for us. Save us from this:

And then please cast Daniel Radcliffe to play Peter Parker and Emma Watson as whatever love interest you choose to use for the reboot. Not even because I think they’re great actors (they’re fine) but because we can finally undo J.K. Rowling's biggest mistake by seeing them together on the screen.

Marvel Comics: You killed my favorite character, Wolverine. Please, when you bring him back (all dead super heroes come back), please resolve to make this the plot of how he returns. The virus that caused healing factor to stop working actually only slowed it down. Upon his "death" the virus died and the healing factor began to work on repairing Wolverine's body. Eventually the healing factor succeeds and Wolverine wakes to find himself entombed. Unable to die, but stuck 6 feet under, Wolverine has to slowly force his way out using his claws and enhanced strength. The process takes many agonizing months and triggers Wolverine's animal side. He emerges from the earth insane and spends months hunting animals to survive.

Eventually, he runs into people. A string of strange murders start to draw the attention of some minor Marvel characters until finally they put it on the X-Men radar. Once they do, the X-men must fight Wolverine at the same time they try to restore his sanity. Tell me that wouldn't make a great comeback

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Don't sing.

But please dance more.

Ashton Kutcher: You're a dad and a tech entrepreneur. Resolve to spend some time making the world's first useful parenting app. Like a smart phone app that can prevent SIDS or something

Peter Jackson: Stop making Tolkien movies. I know someone is going to offer you a billion dollars to make a 20 part series out of the Silmarillion or something. Resist the urge. This is enough.

Sugar Association President Andrew Briscoe: Please resolve to stop saying too much sugar doesn't cause diabetes. We eat plenty of sugar. You don't have to make us sick to get us to eat more. Try making Halloween a month long festival instead.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Just please resolve to never stop taking so many great chances. And please, find a way to get into the Star Wars movies.

Stephen Colbert: Please resolve to make your opening number of your first show taking over for Letterman bigger than the finale of the Colbert Report.

That'll do it for 2014. Which celebrity did I miss? What resolutions would you have them make? And what is your resolution this year? Tell me in the comments.

Apply now for the 2015 InformationWeek Elite 100, which recognizes the most innovative users of technology to advance a company's business goals. Winners will be recognized at the InformationWeek Conference, April 27-28, 2015, at the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. Application period ends Jan. 16, 2015.

David has been writing on business and technology for over 10 years and was most recently Managing Editor at Enterpriseefficiency.com. Before that he was an Assistant Editor at MIT Sloan Management Review, where he covered a wide range of business topics including IT, ... View Full Bio
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